the past till now

starting from today, i'll retaliate against you if the need arises.
YOU ARE THE ONE THAT MADE ME WONDER WHATS THE POINT OF LIVING ON EARTH.
you brought me to this world, yet u dont treasure me.
i feel like i'm just a tool you need to teach ur son
you dont take disciplinary measures on him.
you dont pressure him to study.
all you do is talk.
and say it is our responsibility to teach him.
you are his mother, and u think u have the right to say this?
he is your son.
so u think i got nth better to do and devote all my time on him?
i got my A lvls to talke care of
and i dont even have a condusive place to study in the 1st place.
noise made, u nagging, everything you do is getting on my nerves.
3 weeks ago, u fought with dad, and i got tangl;ed into it for no reason.
u hit me, made me ended up with 3 bruises and a cut.
what did i do?
nth, and i got into trouble.
and you always bring up the past
you tell me you are not bias towards boys, brother.
but u are doing things e other way round, just that u dont realise it for yourself.
u tell me you gave us $, helped us wash clothes.
so u think all these material needs is all?
what about the psychological needs?
you said i use my education status to put pressure on you
i just trying to justify my stand and tell u to be objective.
then the fight starts again.
since you want to bring up the past, lets bring it on.
to see how u treated my since i was young.
as far as i was as young as 2-3 years ols, when i fell,
u said i deserved it.
when bro fell, you were anxious over him, even blaming this on us for not taking care of im even though it was he himself who fell down.
when he hit his head against the bed when he was ard 3 and cried while we were playing, i just told you that he hit his head and you asked me why i played with him and hit me again.
i was only 9, and i could only hide under the sheets and cry silently at night.
when sis played in the balcony alone and hit her head on sth hard and bled, i told you taht she was bleeding from her head.
u called for ambulance, and i got scolded by dad for not taking good care of her.
how young was i?
there are so many other things that happened.
bro took my things, and u said i shld give in to him since i was the eldest.
when i borrowed his things for a while and he wldnt lend me, you asked me why i need to disturb him.
you hired tuition teacher for him, gave him more pocket money, and bought him almost whatever he wanted.
me and sis, just wanted a little small soft toy then and u wld say that its a waste of money, and scold us.
both u and dad are the same
when sis went into acad course, you all scolded her and blamed her like hell
when he got into acad and with even more outrageous marks, he wasnt scolded, and still goes out
to play everyday.
and the best part was we were the ones who got scolded.
for godness sake, which were the things that wasnt our fault?
maybe it is that we were on this earth?
or maybe it was even my fault that i was brought to this earth.
''blame it on my fate, that i'm born in this family.''
thats what you told me
so i am nothing but someone for you to put blames on, vent your anger, a free punching bag, nag at.
niothing significant
and thats why i'm telling u straight in the face now, even if i pull thru my A lvls, and gets into uni, i dont expect you to help me to pay the fees.
you are always comparing me to this cousin whpo earns scholarships whatsoever who is so sensible.
take her in as ur daughter then.
i dont have such great abilities.
you told me that u wldnt pay for my fees if i get into uni, and you are telling me to get ready for it.
you are always nagging, and you simply dont understand whats the point of getting ready the money when u cant even make the grades.
no one teaches me at home.
i'm dependent on myself.
u said cldnt afford txbk, i survived till now on notes.
and u thought i dint wanted to go poly like all my peers?
its becos i know MI is a govt sch, and the costs are cheaper, be it sch fees or transport costs.
thinking of all these, i simply dont know how long i can still hold on.
i'm so unhappy with my life.
i just wish that i can hold thru the A lvls.
and if i cld get sufficient $ and the resources, i wld also move out, just to not hate you to the extent that it makes me feel disgusted even to think that we are mother&daughter.
this is how i feel now.
and you'd better be prepared.
i'm sick of everything now.
'i'll not forgive you even if i die", this sentence may seem harsh, or ridiculous to some
but i meant it
i regretted so much for obeying you and letting you have your way since i was young, by just letting you do whatever u wanted to do with me
without any single word, i did what u asked me too.
apparently, u thought u were right all the time
and i wldnt tolerate this anymore.
i cant take it, its too much.
like i've said, why did you bring ur children to this world when u know u cldnt afford to give them the best that u had?
u told me, that u wished you had strangled me when i was still a baby
i always answeed you back that u can always kill me now, and it was just sad that you dint strangled me.
this is how i feel.
i feel so sick to be living in this world.
i have never been happy once.
all you have brought to me is misery and nothing else
and the thought that i was once afraid to lose you, and wished that you had the best of everything ...
how silly that thought was?
how gullible was i?
all those tears fell was nothing but a mockery
they were so worthless.

thats why.
if disappearing from whis world could get me away from all these miseries, i wld be glad to do so.
i have had enough, and i dont have any energy left to take these anymore.
maybe you'll be happier, so will i.
and maybe,we'll get the best of both worlds.