ends-and-starts.tumblr.com

because, i dont know what to do, who to believe anymore.

muahahas.
just cam bk from BBQ
anyway, i boughtmy lapppie, like finally.
tiring for past 2 days.
on thurs i attended e welcome ceremony and HSS orientation, then rushed dwn to comex
today--or rather, yesterday
i went to BBQ. with my sis clique
high, mad and fun loving pple.
enjoyed myself too :D
HAHA.
though the fire wasnt really hot.
we were all 'hot' and high, i guess?
sch officially starts nxt week.
when i see my lecture notes, its like...............
i'm not in the right radio frequency?
then when i'm so happy today, some irritating pple have to send me some msgs that 'sha feng jing'
nvm.
anyway,
i think i'll be moving.
or maybe i'll just make it an addition?

txt me fer new address :))
i'm gonna slp.
GOODNITEX XD

after 8-9 months

i'm freaking out.
arrghs
sch starts next week
time flies, really
last year, at this point in time, i was probably mugging ?

i'm currently frustrated on many things.....
maybe practically everything
bank loan, laptop, e syllabus, e one semester in china, e environment.
will i ever survive?
just look at A lvls chi syllabus.
at the end of 4 years, where'll i be gg to?
if my life was a story book, i wished i cld at least see the summary.

oh, and finally my last day of work.
i did one exciting stunt.
gg to the movies during work time.
but dint get caught.
quite scary, but really exciting.
HAHAs

and, i'm still lost.
i dont know what i want.
i dont know who i want.
i dont know about everything.


oh, i checked.
last year on this day,
i had my gruelling chi test without studying anything.
and..ummm.
i was thinking of excuses to skip GP lessons.
which i dint go, and proved to be a right choice.
i got B for gp anyways, thanks to mrs meya's and mr wong's help

what-to-do
T.T

hasnt been able to blog due to insonmia.
sighs.
that, happened all bcos of YOG
i wassleeping soundly, then heard this sound..are you ready.
was like??!!
then, went out to my living room.
opp my blk was like...
wow.
alot of students, cheers.
whatever.
then i finally realized what was happening.
it so happened that it was e yog flame passing thru.
so i wait and see lol.
since i was alrdy awakened, at 8 plus
then i saw it lol.
cldnt go bk to slp.
was damn tired.
then had to go to wrk.
then, i cldnt get my quality slp from then on.
plus, i got my sore throat again :(
such a miserable life i lead.
ahhhhhhhhhs
dont feel like gg bk to sch
esp when i think tt i'm gonna be stuch with ci my whole life...
i dun wan !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sobs
T.T ~~~~~~~~
looking forward to e gathering @ marina barrage this sat ^^

this idea just suddenly got into my head.


maybe we were there before; just that we dint knew it.


ahhhs.
i love the adam couple.
haha

a feeling so great i cant overcome.
the sadness that fills up my heart
the tears that form but cant fall
due to suppression, its even impossible to cry
i finally understand, and hear--that my heart is crying silently.

whoops; SURPRISES always come along

guess who i met?
i met my chi lit teacher ytd.
in my shop.
then she was like..shocked
i was like..thought she lived far, far away.
then she said she moved to BB earlier this yr.
OOOO
then asked me how i was doing.
so, i told her my pathetic state.
asking me abt the others.
except for a few, i dint know much.
haha.
then, when i went down again, met maybellina and her mum in my shop
hehs :D
its good to know that you've got a UNI-mate
oh,
and i love korean grps these days.
esp 2am and 2 pm
they, are my jokebooks
which never fail to make me laugh ^^
inception movie tml; looking forward to it
on the other hand,
it seems to me that i've been watching movies every tues with shi at JP
cos it's my off day.
a great way huh?
HAHAS.

miss, misees, missed, still miss, missing

那个人

就是在你最艰难的时候陪伴在你身边的那个人；
就是为了不让你担心，无论出了什么事都要自己默默承担的那个人；
就是就算你犯了错误，也舍不得骂你的那个人
就是最爱在你面前展露他的本领的那个人

i dont think i can ever find those moments back.
there was once, you dint know.
that i was actually faking sleep in the bus.
and J wanted to wake me and my friend up.
but you said, dont wake them up.
lets just loop; even though the loop was less than, 4mins.

I FEEL LIKE I'D JUST BEEN SWEPT OVER A CYLONE;

AND NOTHING IS LEFT OF ME.
yapps, i got my itouch; and i'm gg crazy over e past one week; for all the wrong reasons
cant connect to internet, videos having probs., nvm


I JUST FEEL VOID.
like I've totally been made use of at work, seriously, its making me irritated and frustrated.
at home, all i see is thoses faces which keeps on reminding me abt making more $$, and earning more for uni, saving $$ for.......blahs blahs blahs.
even for going to a local uni, to a course i dint like, and feel like i'm gonna suffer my whole life, just to make sure the expenditure is lower, they take it for granted.
or like i'm even supposed to be super-uper-grateful for it?
forget abt it.
tell you what, why not just save all the $$?
stop me from gg to uni, save all you want.
i've been supporting myself for the past8 months, no support during A lvls, even more disturbance at that point of time, i almost broke down.
now, i'm not only facing probs with you pple, but at work too, yet i cant teel anyone in this family cos i know you pple cant do anything abt it.
whats more, all i will get in return is not support, a listening ear.but worse off, its sth like..you deserve it, no one asked you to work there in the first place.
fine, then tell me why you brought me to this world in the first place?
I DINT ASK YOU TO!
from young till now, it's like i'm bottling everything inside me.
whenever thers a problem, i dont tell you pple.
bcos i know no one can help me.
so, i had to be independent; but none of you know this.
you pple just take it for granted that i shld and i can handle everything myself.
ya.
i dont havethe brains, and neither do i have the looks ; sadly
unlike some of my friends who's at least got one or even both
and stop comparing me to whichever friend's child or cousins.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
IF YOU THINK THAT THEY'RE BETTER, GO AHEAD.GO FIND THEM.
WHY, EVEN BOTHER TO HAVE ME IN THE FIRST PLACE, LETTING ME SEE HOW UGLY THE WORLD IN REALITY IS.
fuck!
I DONT KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON.
UP TILL NOW.
the incident 8 years ago,
those bullies during my pri and sec sch.
was i that pathetic to be their victims ?
and you--
dont even bother to be nice to be, when you now i'll get the wrong idea,
making me distance from the opp sex,
just to make the incident repeat again
you had no idea how deep the cut you made.
and now i dont even know where the hell you're to get an answer from you.
8 years down the road, i havent even got the slightest idea what the hell you were thinking abt.
helping me, being nice to me, standing up for me when we were totally unrelated.
and i thought u still hated me at that point in time, and yet, helping me?
based on what grounds?
i dint need your help.
i think, things wld have been a lot more better, if, you just allowed me to be hurt by them once and for all and got through it alone.
i, really ..........dont know how the world works.

5 moree days before i touch
but what shld i get?
32 gm or 8 gb?


almost died today; cant talk abt it.

never experienced;

this kinda feeling
saw you, but doubt you saw me.
then, when we cld finally see each other,
i'm like; i dont want to see you, i wld be better off, seriously
yet deep inside, we know we're feeling deeply miserable,
but we can do nothing to make ourselves feel better.

maybe some yam milk tea or frappe will make me better.
running with shi tml morning, at nine.
wonders if i'll wake up on time.
:((



if you knew how much you meant to me,
probably...i dont even know.

I;

never seem to learn from my mistakes
'm always escaping
fail to realise things which are so clearly seen by others
cant find reasons to convince myself
dont' know what to do with my life
am tired
just cant to do anything right.

know what, after some thought, i realised that all the things i've mentioned and said was utter stupidity and yes;it's time to put a full stop--to this stupidity of mine.

;A WEEK LTR.....

shall we cont' with the sniffy nose episode.
well, it climax-ed with a fever,
and continued with a runny nose accompanided by occasional coughs.
ummph.
was supposed to have my medical check up on tues
had to cancel, postpone itdue to my period.
was pissed off with the medical center.
nvm, the prob's solved anyway.
postponed it to next week tues.
speaking of tuesdays, i went down to bugis to shop.
at sweet six o'clock.
and thats was the time i went down to take the bus.
aldy 7 when i reached bugis.
with maox, we shopped.
and i almost went broke.
spent almost 120 bucks
:X
but for my wardrobe's sake, i guess it's worth it?
it's really quite pathetic.
i survived with uniforms for e past...13 years alrdy
and now i'm left to fend for myself :(
meanwhile, i love the rainy days nowadays
it's really strong and heavy.
know why i love rain.
cos, its so cooling.
and seems to take your troubles away as they fall.
and you really get to calm down, listen to yourself.
and, no one will ever notice that you're crying in the rain.
because they cannot differentiate tears from raindrops

arhs.
people are leaving.
i dont like people who smoke.
and, its like after 6 months that i realised this by an occasional glance.

i miss my hamsters.
i used to talked to them at night, somewhere ard this timing.
but now that they're gone,
i've got no one to talk to.

everytime, i fail to interpret what you really mean;
its like--ineffective communication.

sniffy, sniffy me

2 days ago, it wa just 2 sneeze.
ytd, it was justa few more sneezes.
today, it evolved into some virus that made me wished i wished i cld pluck off my nose.
went to collect my cert today.
ah.
feels so unrealistic.
anyway, i actually sat in the bus stop opp sch for a whole 15 mins.
thinking of the times i had in that building.
well, some sad tints.
some unforgettable ones.
but mostly hilarious ones.
i found my new targets.
ITOUCH !!!
but still saving $$ for lappie :X


shall end here, i cant type anymoree


i know,its not.

i exist, i do not live
the difference between living and existing?

since my existence seems to make you so much unhappier,
why did you even bother to bring me itno existence?
it's not like i'm happy everyday.

; suddenly...

I DONT FEEL LIKE GG TO UNI.
i feel so stuffed up.

just, being a lil' emo

很多时候，
过去是无从想起的。
遗失了那张发黄的照片，遗失了那曾经枯萎的记忆。

伸出手，抓不到任何东西。

也许，总有些东西会留在声明最深处，深深浅浅的痕迹，
当心轻轻拂过，已不会感到疼痛，只有一份麻木。

快乐与忧伤，一切都已成为过去，依然能感受到的那份真实与感动，虚伪与悲伤。


记得有人说过：
“但你的眼泪忍不住要流出来的时候，睁大眼睛，千万别乏眼，你会看到世界由清晰到模糊的全过程。心，在眼泪落下的那一刻变的清澈明晰！”


爱久了，成了一种习惯，
痛久了成了一道刻痕，
恨久了，成了一种负担。


没有了激情的爱情，从火热走向平淡，
或许就是我们一直在追寻的一种永恒。
虽然，我们都不知道，这份平淡还是不是会那么让人心动。
只是等待，无论时间是否冲淡了一切，心，还在它原来的位置，已固执的方式和速度执着地跳动......

一个人在你的一生中，遇见一个懂得很用心爱你或是遇见一个值得你用心去爱的人，是幸福的。

拥有的往往不是最好，因而也不会懂得珍惜。
也许，这个时候，等待比拥有更好！

爱情，只是一瞬间的感觉，
当我们在奇遇中有了爱情，却早注定了分离。
适合走在一起的人，从一开始就是为了彼此而生的。
世上倘若有两个人注定要相爱，那么在他们相遇之前，
他和她的每一步都会朝着对方走去，不偏不离，不管是多么的不可能。

我相信这一点，相信冥冥中注定的相遇和分离。
有心的人，再远也会记挂对方，无心的人，近在眼前也远在天边。

或许，我们都想永远的忘记一些东西，比如伤痕，比如心动。
可能，很久我们都不会哭了，无论受伤或是心痛，就那么冷眼地看着，在嬉笑中隐没了。
但始终，眼泪伴随着时间，不会融化。

saw mr lim in JP.
was like...hiding in e fitting rm.
lol.
for what?
i dunno.
i thought i saw that fish on weds.
but i dint have to the courage to step out of my shop.
these days have been feeling damn low.
make me high can?!

u know, i'm tired of waiting.
why not just restart everything.

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

I FEEL LIKE A SHEEP.
meeeeeeeeeeeeeehs.
was asked to send my o lvls transcript.
when i was still slping
was like.....

met into fafa ytd
or shld i say that she came into the boutique and find me.
talked alot.
and i still havent go collect my cert.
cant find a time, working :(

manwhile, think that one of my friend has encountered some probs.
regarding BGR.
see, how complicated it is.
so, sometimes, i really think that liking someone does not equates to being tgt
just that feeling of liking.
see, sparks will fly(not a positive connotation here, know sparks that become fire and burn down e whole forest?)
as in.. differences.
in many things.
personality, interests, goals, priorities, mindset.
and when one attempts to change sth, sth will happen.
and in the end....it does not become 'happily ever after'
but, just a full-stop

so, doesnt it makes sense to leave everything as it is.
yes, you may feel tired sometimes.
but at least, in this case, you're only involving yourself.
not another person.
then, quietly forget and move on.

just sincerely that they'll get bk tgt if they can, sort out their probs.
or, just return bk to their usual lives.
cheer up :))
shld have returned to meet my friend under my blk that day
only realised sth so ..impt and serious happened when the status changed in fb.




bk to work tml :((
when's my marticulation letter coming?

;breathless

time flies.
6 months have past.
so have my job at dano JP.
miss those cool guys in formal shirts.
and my colleagues.
i've a tendency to leave everything when i feel that there's something
anyway,
i'm bk at square one.
i'm..confused, and helpless
not knowing who to seek help from, who to talk to.

breathless.
exactly how i feel.
but i love the song

If our love was a fairy tale
I would charge in and rescue you
On a yacht baby we would sail
To an island where we'd say I do
And if we had babies they would look like you
It'd be so beautiful if that came true
You don't even know how very special you are

You leave me breathless
You're everything good in my life
You leave me breathless
I still can't believe that you're mine
You just walked out of one of my dreams
So beautiful you're leaving me
Breathless

And if our love was a story book
We would meet on the very first page
The last chapter would be about
How I'm thankful for the life we've made
And if we had babies they would have your eyes
I would fall deeper watching you give life
You don't even know how very special you are

You leave me breathless
You're everything good in my life
You leave me breathless
I still can't believe that you're mine
You just walked out of one of my dreams
So beautiful you're leaving me
Breathless

You must have been sent from heaven to earth to change me
You're like an angel
The thing that I feel is stronger than love believe me
You're something special

I only hope that
I'll one day deserve what you've given me
But all I can do is try
Every day of my life

have to work at wm atrium for one week starting..later?
then habourfront's on 25th jun to jul 1st.
i'm broke :'(
have to buy lappie
aaaahs
hope i wont meet into too many pple.
pple can come accompany me eat lunch :((

PS: i, really miss you so....much.

my thoughts;

on living on this earth for 20 years.
officially bid farewell to my birthdays starting with one-s.
on this day which it first start with two,
suprisingly and funnily,
i dont feel anything
no excitement,
no joy,
no interest.
bah, so sad.
sadly, all i feel , is sadness.
for no apparent reason or circumstance.
just a heavy weight thrown into my heart.
making it even...heavier.
LOLs.
initially just wanted to go vivo with my sis.
then min finally replied me whether she was free ytd night.
when i send her e msg on tues -.-'''
so, i guess i'll be off to marina in late afternoon.
according to min, e fly kite area.
got this place?
i suppose if i'm not wrong shld be e marina barrage.
not a bad choice, at least, i can breathe in fresh air
really fed-up with my manager now.
thinks she knows everything, when i still have to teach her eng
so, lets see.

shall do further emo-posts and reflections later.
and know what?
ytd night when the clock struck twelve, i had a nosebleed.
what a nice present from heaven to mark and commemorate my 20th burfday.

finally;

i go that dumb letter asking me to go study chinese in ntu
of all days but this day, i also lost a very impt item
doubt i can find it bk.
the chance is certain; zero.
still in a low-down mood.
the value, its invaluable.
even though its only a note.

is this really what u call;
u'll only gain sth after you lose sth?
nth lost, nth gained?

know what?
i've been thinking.
maybe it's fate hinting to it that it shld come to a closure alrdy
just that, i cant accept it.

among all those korean craze;

i finally fell for one.
LOLs.
and believe it or not,
i spent my precious off-day today watching it
trying to finish the whole 16 episodes.
quite nice :D
title's called you're beautiful/he's beautiful.
and i went to buy the DVD.
at forty bucks, without hesitating.
quite a hard decision for me for the cae of DVDs
cos i cld watch it online
in fact, i alrdy watched almost half of it online.
but i still went to buy.
dunno why
but as i was watching the show, i had many thoughts.
kinda straightened out.
gonna watch the last episode at 12 30 ltr.
anyway, the male cast is really..cute!
to be able to express himself into a person of different temperaments, by just changing his facial expressions.
aaaaaaaaahs.
why are there such nice-looking pple in this world
and of all places, like korea, taiwan and japan?

想了好多事
看了戏，到好笑的部分时, 笑了。
但我心里比谁都还清楚，
我并不快乐。


感到胸口闷闷的，
笑着笑着，
眼泪也跟着掉了。
不知道为何会掉泪，也不知是为谁掉的。


我也想到十年前的我，
十年后的我，
也试着想未来十年的我。
结果，我还是想不出来。


也许，我还在寻找着那个人
那个人是谁， 我并不知道，也很疑惑。
到底我能不能找到我想找的这人？
那个可以接纳我的缺点，接受我的过去
那个我可以对他敞开心胸，倾诉我的种种感受
那个能让我感到自在，安心的人
那个会让冷静的我，冲动的人

我甚至怀疑这个人根本不存在着世上。
在人海茫茫中，我们还得寻寻觅觅多久呢？


活着的意义， 到底又是为了什么？

WHEN;

i realised it was may.
i realised it was 2010.
i realised it wld be a saturday.
i realised it may be a chance.
i realised everything may had been heaven's will.
i realised i was wrong before this.
i realised i may be wrong again.
i realised it was just another opportunity.
i finally realised, if there's affinity, we would meet again; no matter how small, tiny, impossible it may seem.

when i thought it was a great deal...

to carry 17 pkts of bee hoon.
apparently, two days ltr, i was proven to be wrong.
to get 7 pkts of medicine was a greater deal, it seems
freaked out my colleagues.
blahs.
for cough, phlegm, immflamation, fever,sore throat, flu, headache....
arrrghs.
guess that explains for my poor appetite the past 2 days.
from the BBQ to mac breakfast to ytd
no wonder i dint feel like eating anything.

when i booked out of the chalet, alrdy felt cold.
when i reached the train, slept dead.
reached bl, sleep on bus for 5 mins.
reached home, slept for one hr, went to work
then felt real uncomfortable, bought a thermometer.
tadatada.
38.8 degrees.
not too bad,
considered that i cld still get my way to jp alone.
but after tt seriously cldnt make it.
was sleeping in the store rm.
almost the whole day.
thks to my colleague and L
kept coming into the store rm.
felt tt got pple keep touching my forehead, mumuring.
cldnt recognise who they were.
just thankful and grateful tt i have them by my side.
even bought chysanthemum tea for me, fishball noodle.
but sry, cos i dint have much appetite
so i ate 2 fishballs only.( and threw away the rest)
dint know why, but thw fishball looked so..gigiantic.
ever felt how bad cough was.
i've experienced it.
coughing while your throat hurts, even when u swallow your salivia
and when u are coughing till u want to vomit.
but theres bothing to vomit, so u vomit out water.
basket
for the 1st time in my life i have to eat 3 panadols in less than 8 hrs

anyway, thought that those screaming from the cockroaches scares contributed to my ever-changing voice nw
dont call me, just text me for nw.
cos its painful for me to talk.

on the brighter side,
i shall just think that i'm happy that i'm having a fever
1.cos it proves that my body is working--heating up to kill the germs.
2. cos it proves that there are pple who care for me.
3. its proven that mum's the only human being who loves me most.


这世界太复杂
单纯很难
我现在终于明白

earlly in e morning;

splitting headache is seriously nth...
compared to my shoulders..hard stiff and painful.
sobs :'(

pretend you dint see this.

changing.moods
thats what happened to me today.
not that i'm jealous of my friends.
my somehw, i feel inferior- in every aspect.
i've no idea why
plus the news that my friends gt accepted into uni, asked for interviews.
yet me has no news at all!
i rmbed my choice wasnt tt hard to get in, at least i thought so.
or maybe, i was just overestimating myself
whats make you think you can make it to the uni?
i asked myself this afternoon.
thats was when the nightmare exactly started.
even my colleague got stunned
she said i was high one moment, when she turned to me the nxt sec,
i told her i felt like biting humans.
she said i looked like i was gg to cry.
true
i always want to bite pple when i'm sad, then laugh.
haha.
feel so pathetic for myself.
cant even feel sad in front of people
although i really one did bit one once

walking beside her, i thought i was damn......
dont know what to say.
i dont even dare to hold my head up high.
i know, we are friends.
there really isnt any superiority or inferiority btetween friends-supposedly.
be it physically, mentally, IQ, EQ,
in career, in sch, our social circles, families...
i feel totally......
and the things that happened to me these years, only makes me feel even more certain.
i dont know why they did that to me
and seriously, theres no pt in getting to know what was the reason behind it.
cos the pain has been inflicted, it was inflicted, and theres no way to deny that it once hurt.
it makes me think that humans, are superficial creatures.
inner beauty--its total crap.


wonder who's free on thurs.
i wanna watch e taiwan moviee and blk&white ghost(ju-on)
i asked min whether she was free on thurs
she said yes.
then, i asked her shall we go watch movie, the ghost one?
she replied: wow, todays' weather is so nice.
-.-''

sighs.
patience is running out
so is my endurance.
justfeel like shutting my eyes for a long time to get some real peace.

how to differentiate a dream

boo.
i'm currently charged with negative ions :(
pre-PMS i guess.
i just feel more and moree negative as days pass by.
has a weird dream today.
i was damn conscious.



in my dream, u did sth unexpectedly.
to be exact, u asked me sth that i dint know hw to answer.
why dint u think it was you?

HOW WLD I KNOW?
its not like i have supernatural talent to read someone's mind!
and anyway, it just dint seem convincing no matter hw i look at it.
full stop.
anyway, it was just a dream, luckily
if it was in real life,
i've no idea what to do.

shall go work soon.

烟火

tired.
woke up at 8 30, ruahed to amk, took cab down to pasir ris,
then took train all the way bk to boon lay to rush to work.
freaking tired!!! :(
lets hope its worth it.

i cannot take it when my manager treats me so nicely
it's scary and terrifying
when she approved my 3 day leave.
miracle in a miracle.
i even prepared my lines,
like i gonna go OBS or sth.
but no,
she dint ask.
i just said i got some things in sch then she said ok
ahhh.
i'm freaked to the max when she still smile at me w'o asking me anything.
eerie




when i went to book the chalet, then i recognised that place.
exactly 3-4 years ago, i went there before
and right in that very shop, we were sitting tgt in a big table
and i still remembered that , that very thing that he did may seem so insignificant to others,
but, it was more than enough for me.
really.
i think the same scenario will happen again, just that its w/o him in the picture.
cos i think my MC will reach that few days :'(

its like probably...the most sober state i'm in nw
even though i was yawning like mad at work.
i'm pretty sure what it means.
at the bottom line, i'm pretty certain.
hell knows whats going on.
i dont know, cant be bothered to know, dont want to know.
cos, i know theres simply no positive point in knowing
so, perhaps, its time to go outside my garden and get to know new people.



loves this cold rainy weather
so smoothing
and lets me think in such a sober manner, so clearly.
and i wished i had a nice cuppa cocoa
or perhaps, a few glasses of vodka.
i just simply wished; i wasnt so clear-minded.
no, at least not today
has bottled far too much negative feelings inside me.
needs to de-stress.

if time was just an illusion,
then ...

good friday

and i thought,
maybe it'll turn out to be a black friday instead.
for me, at least.
will be changing uniform soon.
slept thru my off-day ytd,thoroughly
like hw a pig does.
FELT BETTER :))
off to work at one :(

'

'Someone you've known for a while will suddenly take a shine to you. Don't back away.This could be The One'
so said some source.
and defining this statement is like..worse than breaking down a GP essay qns.
so, i shall just and see.
to prove the source right or wrong.

我们没有在一起;

你一直说的那个公园已经拆了
还记得荡著秋千日子就飞起来
漫漫的下午阳光都在脸上撒野
你那傻气 我真是想念


那时候小小的你还没学会叹气
谁又会想到他们现在喊我女王
你哈哈笑的样子倒是一点没变
时间走了 谁还在等呢


这杯咖啡忘了加糖
真不是我那麼伤感
世界太复杂 你说单纯很难
我当然都明白


可是呀只有你曾陪我在最初的地方
只有你才能了解我要的梦从来不大
我们没有在一起至少还像情侣一样
我痛的疯的伤的在你面前哭得最惨

我知道你也不能带我回到那个地方
你说你现在很好而且喜欢回忆很长
我们没有在一起至少还像家人一样
总是远远关心远远分享


那条路走呀走呀走呀总要回家
两只手握著晃呀晃呀舍不得放
你不知道吧后来后来我都在想
跟你走吧 管它去哪呀


这杯咖啡忘了加糖
真不是我那麼伤感
世界太复杂 你说单纯很难
我当然都明白


可是呀只有你曾陪我在最初的地方
只有你才能了解我要的梦从来不大
我们没有在一起至少还像情侣一样
我痛的疯的伤的在你面前哭得最惨


我知道你也不能带我回到那个地方
你说你现在很好而且喜欢回忆很长
我们没有在一起至少还像家人一样
总是远远关心远远分享


可是呀只有你曾陪我在最初的地方
只有你才能了解我要的梦从来不大
我们没有在一起至少还像情侣一样
我痛的疯的伤的在你面前哭得最惨


我知道你也不能带我回到那个地方
你说你现在很好而且喜欢回忆很长
我们没有在一起至少还像家人一样
总是远远关心远远分享


我们没有在一起至少还像朋友一样
你远远的关心 其实更长


when fever decided to spring a surprise attack on me :(
time to kill the germs.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahs

its past one in the morning;

hola;
i just cant sleep
today, i broke down half way in the middle of my work
the pressure was simply too....strong for me to withstand.
so, few trips to the toilet and consider the trick done.
after i came bk, i decided that it wld be a face-off with her.
so, when she went to lunch, we hit 300 in a single hr
compared to where we started from 11-5 was only 500
just proven the point that her eight characters doesnt match with mine.
although i dun know how the hell it works.
at a particular point in time,i got that feeling, lost ever since i left sch
the urge to bite.

the mist, when will it clear?
butterflies,when will they reach?


at times, even i myself think i'm totally incomprehenable.

i want apr 7th to reach faster.
i want my pay :(

when the bleeding get serious;

as in, nosebleed.
dunno why i keep bleeding.
but i do know of one occasion which i knew why i bleed, but it sounds lame so i wont spell it out.
the only thing i can say is....its non-physical reason.
pple advised me to go to the doc.
but i'm reluctant to do so.
think it shldnt be anything serious since i had it ever since young
just that it came bk lately these 2 yrs.
its like, what if everything wasnt what i thought


on the other hand, although i only worked for 5 hrs ytd, it felt like days
cos the new girl is so scary
i just feel weird looking at her.
and i feel like she's gonna eat me anytime, or pounce on me and squash me flat with her size.
luckily she's gg bk to wm on mon.
i'll open xiang bing to celebrate
on a lighter note, it feels reat to be bk in JP
stunned some pple by appearing bk
after almost one week MIA.
gonna work in 2 hrs time.
sighs.


miss sch totally, even those PE lessons and taxing chi lit tests :(
and the food there; even though its not exactly fantastic.
its like ..4 mths ever since we attended sch.
but no matter hw we missed it, we're past it.
and there's certainly no way to turn back the clock.
what we can only do now is to reminisce with those sweet, bitter precious memories.
and rmb the fun days we had, and use it,
to look optimistically into the future.
even if we part ways, there's no way to deny that we used to had fun together, worked hard together, did stupid things together



amist blogging this post,
i'm still trying to figure out the reason why.
wished my brain wld be able to stop thinking so i wldnt have to sleep at 3am.

♥ remember me ♥

started the day early, with a mac breakfast treat from someone nice at pioneer.
as a parting gift apparently
i walked there, no direct bus service
then i realised that i hadnt walked so leisurely for a long, long while.
thought abt many things.
then bitched abt that all evil pest cum witch cum too-many-negative-adjectives to describe her
sighs.
so after breakfast, i went over to watch remember me.
for the very very fast time, alone.
and its quite dumb with actually 7 pple in the whole theatre only
best still, only one couple.
the auntie was asking me for another student pass.
i was like..huh?
she said:you only want one ah.
i said yes, and she gave me that damn weird look.
then, watched it
damn freaking cold inside despite a jacket with hoodie while bag-hugging.
the story was quite ok.
but.. no subtitles, so i'd a hard time trying to catch their speech.
eventually was a sad ending.
so..............tragic :'(
anyway, mood was really down under after the movie.
and i swear i wont watch a movie ALONE again.
feels so horrible.
then realised syhira sent a msg to me.
again, i almost wanted to ask her if she gt send wrong msg.
then , realised i sended this msg a lot of times to alot of pple.
and it always turns out tt i'm the one mistaken.
abt tt chalet thingy, seriously, lets say if theres really one..
i'll have to find time to go for it
by.. telling that witch i've got sth on, or
choose to clear my off-day, or
best still, take an MC
anyway, the last time i went for one was like 4 years ago
and we were like really..mad
2 sixteen yr old girls going out to cycle without any guys ard
its not a problem actually.
but, not at 1 am.
plus after our cycling we went to buy drinks and drank at the big stone platform in the sea, at 3am...
of course, there wasnt any problem, except that the drinks were alcoholic :X
but then again, i think after some drinking, i'll break down.
then again, dont ask me why.
cos thats when i'm true to myself, when i just feel like hugging sth(like a big big stitch or hello kitty) and sob in front of it, talk to it.
IT LOOKS TOTALLY STUPID!
arrghs.
gg off to work at 4pm tml.
dont have to see that witch till next weds, then nxt thurs is my off again :)
specially changed the lyrics of 'welcome to my life' to 'get out of my life'
special'tribute' to the witch.
3 years ago, i was too weak.
3 years after, today,i've learnt to be stronger.
anyway, gonna find another avenue to blog abt work.
like wordpress, livejournal or tumbler, recommended by my friend.
to de-stress :S
and is anyone gg overseas......hellp me buy vodka tropical.
cos its cheap, and only exclusively at changi airport :(((
PLSS HELP ME BUY ♥

i hope my guess is wrong, seriously.
if not, i dont know how to accept the fact.

walkin down memory lane;

gonna go wm to work ltr :(
taking 174..
no specific reason
just felt like slowing down the pace
even though this means i have to do a de-tour, walking, and maybe some overhead bridge climbing..
when i can actually reach bb by taking mrt frm pioneer and reach there within like..20 mins?
sighs
seriously dont know why i'm working at this poor, a super gd CS for MOB company.
dunno what to say
feel like calling someone to talk to, but its like....nvm.
seems like when pple have probs with relationships, they come and find me.
yet, when i feel down, maybe due to reasons, such as the one above... nvm.
maybe its time to get independent.
mentally; emotionally.
afterall, u are alrdy 20 yrs old.
time to grow up and stop feeding on reliance.


if that person really matter abt you,
he/she'll change.
i wonder what tt person is doing nw.

bloody day

literally, as it seems
ytd, tt is
nosebleed for breakfast, deep cut in index finger for lunch, menses for dinner
how un-bloody cld it be?
loss of blood :(
sighs, getting bored nwadays.
wished time cld turn bk :(

a plastic weds

blogging, finally.
still haven register for UNI.
not even sure if i can get in with GP-B/PW-C/CHI-A/MATHS-S/MOB-C/ECONS-B/CHI LANG&LIT-A.
god.
i hate my maths.
think i'm gonna stuck with chinese....
LOLS
after meeting cousin to consult abt the chi course, went to meet min
proceeded to SP to do her grad show model.(thanks to that kfc meal months ago and my dumb suggestion)
argghs.
was hell.
tearing, cutting plastics, violence, killing the earth.
penknives, chisels, cuts, broken finger nails, aching fingers
got 2-3 cuts, and nails broken into 3 layers.
after eating at SP, cont' to peel plastic models below my blk
till 11 30 pm...with complimentary 6 bites from mosquitoes.
then went to 24 hr coffee shop to eat, reached home at twelve.
like cinderella.
just that i'm not pretty, theres no carriage, and neither is there mouse and a prince.


i just realised how important TRUST is to a guy.
credits to min.

customers...

are seriously..an irritating bunch
when i was gg to close at 9 30 pm, she came in.
then wanted to buy a cardigan @$23
said she gt VIP card.
forget to bring, an check for her?
i said; sorry, the office closed alrdy.
then she said..thats your company's problem, not mine.
i said; its your responsibility to bring your VIP card
IC no cnt check?
office closed already.
then when she was paying, kept looking at my nametag.
was so irritated, told her i'm xin yi.
she said :: attitude sia!
then asked for todays date, time , and main office number.
i happily gave it to her.
go ahead and lodge a complaint, dear.
most to most, i will just tell the office; its your prob for cosing early.
if not, sack me larhs hors,
but consider your manpower @ the west side 3 outlets.
called my manager; then she said nth will happen..too many types of these cases,
and asked me not to be unhappy over it.
at tt point of time, i seriously felt like slapping that customer
here's one free phrase to you
f*** you, b****




on the other hand, i'm in a dilemma over what subject to choose.
my JC friends were like saying my maths was really a pity, and pretty sad case.
cos if i did pass it, i cld be guranteed a place in uni :(
there goes my econs :((
i really cant imagine studying chinese (concentrated) and focused for 4 years
just those A lvls stuff for the 3 years was scary enough :'(

I MISS SCH, VERY, VERY MUCH.
and those people.

the day of 'A' lvls result release;

simply a torturing moment, you know.
after the principal's talk was practically in gg-to-cry-mode.
then, cldnt stand it anymoree, just went there, then ask teacher not to face e result slip up.
then asked mr sim; gt anything fail?
he said no, felt a sense of relief.
was overall contented with my result; if not for maths, and mob.
i cldnt speak; wanted to cry but cldnt.
i'm so grateful for the teachers guidance, the environment the sch provided us.
everything that has contributed to our success


cos i wan too unsure of myself
went to find min after tt at bugis
watched up in the air, just watched alice in wonderland in the morning.
then she asked me sth, what will i look in a bf, or what type.
my answer is , so long as we can talk to each other, comfortable ard each other, and the chemistry and feeling is there.
you know, like what the movie character said
'you know that thats the person, when you look into his/her eyes, the whole world stops'
i think i found it, but i've got no confidence in myself
and i believe that if we have the affinity, we'll meet again.
whats yours will be yours,
and whats not yours will never be yours.


i saw him before i took the results, then he disappeared.
then i saw him again when i was leaving sch.
on the other hand, i chose to let it go.
just, too unsure.
i'm too overwhelmed by emotions, think i'll cry like hell tonight.
i dunno why,
but i really cant bear the thought of officially leaving MI, not gg bk there everyday like we used to be.
those happy moments, hard moments.
i think, i need time to organise.
and god, if you are kind enough, do sth.

counting down;

to judgement day.
frankly speaking, i havent een sleeping well these days.
on monday night, i slept at 3 am only to be awake at 8 plus due to 2 consecutive nightmares.
ytd, cldnt sleep, and i went to cut my hair.
2 inches off.
argghs.
even though there are pple who treated me to BK and KFC today, i still dont have much appetite.
thinking of tml...sighs.
i dont get it;
who do some pple seem unaffected?
because they are too confident, or they cant be bothered at all.
maybe i shld get ready a box of tissue tml.
:((

gg off to work.
sighs.


sometimes, i really feel that the days in MI was a dream.
short but nice one,
of course.with some...

5th march 2010,

will most probably be a day that i wont forget.
awws.
just thinking of it, i alrdy cant sleep.
sweating....
sighs.
finally off tml, gg to find min.
maybe go trim my grassy-head too.
aaaahs.
i really dont know hw to react :((

病倒了 :((

病倒了...
超累的，
感冒了:((
心情也因某人飞上天空，
接着狠狠地摔在地面...
唉，除了叹气，好象没舍可做滴。。。

早知道就不听她说的那些话了。

when i refuse to;

okay,
i cant be bothered to type it out.
its really irking me.

ar..arh...ARGGGGHS.

SOBS SOBS SOBS :((
WAS MUNCHING ON MY CHOC POCKY, THEN READ THREADS ABT A LVLS
turned out that pple felt that it was hard, as gd as killer paper :( (sad;heart breaks)
then , there were pple confident of getting As for it (even sadder; heart shatters to powder)
then, looks at the date; exactly 2 weeks from nw ( cant sleep alrdy ;((
aww.
saw pple outside my shops with botak heads; turned out to be sch mates, so i hid in my storerm.
OMG la, i dunno why i was hiding :(

off day tml :))

a late reflection

guess i've been too busy these days.
cant even write a post with standard.
planning to extend my work to end july.
cos i can save more, earn more, and spend more.
okay, the 3 conflict with each other :(
but i dont know what job i shld get.
and , its like only 16 days left for the result release.
i'm excited but stressed at the same time
anticipation with anxiety might be an apt description.
i need to find someone to go out with me, this saturday
finally got a off day on weekend, how cld i waste it just like this ?!
msg me or call me
so long as it is not illegal, and the venue's still in singapore i'll go :))



sometimes.
i do........

chines new year

some of ytd's phoyos.
the very pretty angel i've mentioned before.
called kaixin.
my 1st cousin's daughter :))
she loves the bunny, has 3 of the same!

isnt she a sweet little girl?awww..

whilst pple were gambling at casino at sentosa, we were opening up our IR2 at jurong division

LOLs

some of the cousins playing cards XD

shall find some other things to upload soon,

thinking that in 3 weeks my fate's gonna be fixed, its--terrible.

maybe i'll go JB to shop or find joe joe

and i wanna go for some shopping session and K session too :))

still gotta work tml :((

tada, thats all

goodnight ;)

festive seasons.

just came bk frm grandma's hse.
felt that new year has been evolving thru the years.
10 years ago, 10 years after--the feeling is totally different.
dont know why, but has been and is still feeling damn damn low these days.
even woke up breaking in cold sweat and tears on new year's eve.
horrible dreams.
then i think of my A lvls results.
some pple asked me if i had the confidence, but i seriously dont know.
i only know my maths has flunked,and i dunno what else i can do.

i never knew how great the impact was.
but i am deeply troubled by what i feel towards this matter
things has been changing, bit by bit.
and when you realise it--it makes a great difference.
i miss the days, 10 years ago.

when dates do not matter...and when it does

erms.
i think i'm dead.
i cnt find my lib bk titled 'before we say goodbye'
ARGHS.
and its due tml,4th feb
i was totally lost today.
thought it was tues today, so shld be 2nd feb.
turned out that when i looked at the com screen, i've been wondering tml is weds.
but felt it just dint make sense.
ok, in the end asked lydia, then she told me its weds today -.-'''
ok, i;m mixed up.
but it dint matter, cos i was totally a good as dead today, having to open the shop.
by the time it reached 2pm, my eyelids were heavy and droopy :(
at 3, i went to eat, and napped a bit at match.finally got better
gd thing?
tml start work at 2 30pm ^v^
shall stop nw, gonna find my bk :"(


my heart felt like it was trampled by an elephant;
I DONT KNOW HOW I ARRIVED AT THIS ANALOGY.

just, my imagination

the air is different today.
has been a long time since i last saw those beautiful hues of sunset.
reminds me of the sunsets i see in sch walking by the stadium
it was so...lovely and blissful
makes you feel contented and ....
anyway, i really miss sch .
awwws.
the sandwich, the very-diluted milo, the iguana i've nvr seen b4
and many other things.
if things cld go bk in time.those happy, cheerful moments.
maybe things cld be different if i was a lil' bit braver.
anyway, thinking that i've to open the shop tml makes me irritated
that'll make her owe me 1.5 hrs.
so....sians to go work :((
its a painful wait, for what seems to be like a judgement day
for that particular ay in march,
where i cant predict what's that day gonna be like.
in tears, smiles, or......


liking doesnt not restrict vacancies, you can like 100 pple
love is a different thing; you can only love one.

TADA~

...
seeing new faces all ard
plus old and familiar ones too.
what can i do,
i'm working at jurong.
i live in jurong
i grew up in jurong.
so, all the pple i know are mostly in jurong.
before i went into MI.
after MI, thats was DEFINITELY not the case.
anyway, work had been so bor--ing, that i keep looking for new ye candies.
finally found one.
but i thought sch's ones were much much moree better.
and i was freaked out on sat.
by the no of customers and the piles of clothes waiting for me to rtestore.
but it was rewarding when you see the sales hit.
$5***+++
haha.
but then, i ask myself again
so happy for what,also not my $$, plus me, got no commission


and from my flooding facebk status these few days,
the feed has been telling me sth.
the guys are gg to serve the nation ^v^
and i'm sorta feel.. funny over it.
HAHAS.
COS,
i really, sincerely from the bottom of my heart feel thats its funny XD
no offence.
anyway,
TAKE KAIRRES alright.
i'm waiting for my exciting stories in mar.
tsk tsk; just think abt PE lessons in MI, then think to army.
my reaction: shakes head, sighs.

;completely...

tell me what one shld do when theres nothing and no one worth living for.
give me a reason to live.

long night out :(

has to work till 11pm today :((
thanks to jurong point's late night shopping promotion.
sometimes, i really dont know who is telling the truth,
and neither can i act ignorant and dont bother abt whats the truth.
and then, whats the motive of the pple telling me the rubbish.
is it fun to play such childish games?
its like...after 3 years, the work politics hasnt changed at all.
gosh, and it even became worse.
fight all you want, i dont want to be involved--not at all.
and i wont work till august.
i'll only work till 1 week before my 20th birthday.
sorta a present for myself.


i realised that sometimes, pple cant get close to me because i place a barrier between .
that barrier was meant for many purposes, but most importantly, protecting myself.
i tried removing it, and it's almost halfway there.


after all those incidents 6 years ago, you were the first to make me remove the barrier
but yet, the distance between us...i dont know why it exists
maybe that barrier distanced us, and i cldnt remove it in time.
maybe, that barrier made it impossible for both of us.
my heart tightens whenever i think of you.
my cheeks become wet at night.

if only you cld see this...
but i doubt you'll know who you are.

dragging

off-days :(
dragged from mon to tues, tues to weds
its like working for 10 consecutively
so drained and tired.
had to cancel fri's early leave
at the rate they're confirming the dates,
i dont even know if i reapply again
maybe i wont be able to make it.
so be it then, i'll just try my best.
totally hate pple who are irresposible, taking MC before their off days and on others rest days.
in the end e pple on their rest day have to work




the things we gain, may actually be a loss .
the things we thought, may not actually be how it turned out to be.

unexpected-ley

, i had to work today
they informed me at one, had to reach by 1 30
cos agnes took MC.
was like ....
so changed my day off to tml, dint mind, cld se her less one day, i'm happier actually.
and i agreed to work cos i dint fixed any dates or meetings with my friends.
cos if i did, i'll just start my call reject again.
luckily its only like 5-10 mins from my hse to jp.
now i owe her 6 hours :(
due to friday's early leave for the dinner
sighs.
i slept 3 am , woke up at 11 plus.
with an empty stomach and cuddling stitch watching tv
i sa the phone ring and picked it up w/o hesitation
cos i thought it was my sis :(
before i started to realise that the no wasnt correct, i had alrdy taken up the call.
thats how my off-day became bubbles.
so freaking tired that i had to buy nescafe.

will go IMM with sis tml after sch :)))
time's so precious, yet it's only an illusion

lets just leave this up to fate.

theres no way to lock blogger posts, unfortunately.
so this is the only way


something triggered a painful reaction in me and the only way i could cope was to shut down.
my ability to love an trust has frozen over.
bitter cold winds blow across my words and people slip and slide on my frosty intentions.
i am icy cold and uninviting.
i know i need to seek for warmth.


i've long found it, i realised

i allowed some to enter to thaw the ice
but i dare not accept it as it is.
i'm fearful that once i'm rely on this warmth
i'll be dependent on it.
and one day when it leaves, i'll be cold again, even colder.
so tell me, can i really believe that
i can rely on this warmth














有些事,我知道怎么骗所有的人，但到了最后，仍是骗不了自己

我并不想这样做， 但会不经意这样做

drama-tic monday

i love sundays ♥
cos its the day when autumn concerto goes on air :D
and th following day is my off-day :))
so, i spend my sunday on autumn concerto.
mondays would usually be sth like...
watching hi! my sweetheart and momo love.
but momo love has ended alrdy, and i think hai pai tian xin is also coming to an end :(
arghhs.
shall just rest maybe.
meanwhile, received a box of T-30 rocher♥
thinks that it was supposed nd meant to make me fat ..
tsk tsk.

anyway, i had cotton candy ytd.
XD
maybank was giving free cotton candy, zahidah told me.
so we got it during out lunchbreak.
but it was like.
we were the only 'old' children in the queue.
was like so ..
nonetheless, i still got it.
was like, bk to childhood days.

TADA~
shall stop here, gg off to work soon ;D



the yellow sunny sun,
and white fluffy clouds.

the KEY.

was bored and busy stiff ytd.
hw can this 2 happen at the same time, believe me.
it can happen.
after i went to jp to collect my dearest phone, i went lib to read.
sighs.
feels like i havent touched books for a dozen years.
and the night was so freaking long--i thought it wldnt end.
and i got such a sweet dream again.
nonono.
its not good for health.
maybe its happening in another world, its good enough.


i am a key.
i hole the power to release the captive mid from its self -imposed prison.
i've been here all along, forgotten in the shadowy reccesses of shame.
i've become rusty through many tears of regret, bitterness and sorrow.

i am the key and i am love.
to open the lock i need to be turned twice.
Once for acceptance; i accept whatever i said or did as a necessary part of my growth, no matter how foolish or selfish i may have been.
the second turn is for forgiveness; i don't need to punish myself anymore.
love is the key

--'who am i?', carmen warrington.

r post

tsk tsk.
things arent gg well for me :((
sighs
have to go JP freaking early to get bk my dear phone.
in case anything happens to it, in the drawer.
like--maybe cockroaches and lizards may find it =X
thinks that my imagination has gone a bit far too wild.
shall put a curb to it.
just realised that-- i act pretty much like a guy.
ah, thats so freaking sad.

情

left my phone in the shop :((
arghs :((



情为何物？我们不要把情看成是如此复杂的东西。我们生活在这个世界，当然就有情的存在，亲情、爱情、友情……等等。亲情，是靠血肉相连的东西，你身边什么都没有了，但是亲情还在，亲情是割不断的东西，即使你在亲情里受过很大的伤害和憎恨。而爱情，只是短暂炽热的疯狂，一旦热情退却，我们留下的只有责任。我们是靠生活的堆积而砌起来的爱情。当爱情真的逝去，我们只有分道扬镳了。而友情，我们可以坚深缔固，也可以像泡沫般消逝。所以，情为何物？别太天真，一切的东西把它看成简单就好，一旦复杂了，你会被情所灭，被情所困，你可能就无法在一个牢笼里出来了。


i guess...
this is the reason behind marriage?
and maybe, this is the 499th year?

moooo-day.

depends on hw u interpret it
thk godness agnes came today, or i most probably wont have my off-day tml :))
i hate it when i cant rest at home on my days off, esp for a stupid reason like--havving to buy CNY's clothes.
gonns meet shi after one after the so called herb and spice smelling practical lesson' as told.
hopefully, wont meet into pple i know again, after last week...so terrible
and most probably, i'm gonna go bk to JP shop for good
but i have limited days :(( to shop for it, cos i'm stuck at work.
intends to work till mid may, as a burfday presnt for myself :D
sales hit highest of 2010 and 2009..ard 3600-3700?
saw throngs of pple--pecifically guys of my age at bus numbers 181, 192 and 193..
carrying their green bags and their botak heads.
was telling my friend...tsk tsk, poor creatures, and laughing in my heart XD
i dunno why.
isnt it hard to believe that one turns 20 years old so fast...like, before you know anything, you're twenty.

i'm getting fed up by pple mistaking me for john little's salesgirl, cotton on, vana , byst
when i go out during my break to shop :(


i believe the day will come, naturally.
just like the sun rises from the east, and the way in which the water in the river flows.

xxxxxxxx

had trouble gg to fb for one hr ytd night.
gave up eventually :(
getting sick of the job
ytd i just sort of refuted bk to the supervisor.
in an.... very, very indirect way
cos she insisted tt as i was part-timer, when i'm actually workin g full time temporarily,i cldnt get 6 off days per mth.
was like...then she cont' praising dano was such a good company, how to get these type of pay like this....
then she asked me..right
i told her...it just depends on whether you can find it.
then she say..oh, then why you come here work?
i said-just to kill time.she was like...OOOOo.
what can she do to me.
sack me, and get stuck in sg for CNY?
lets see how her attitude will change towards me after CNY.
the true colours of a fox's tail.
just kinda intended t work till mid may




i just felt very sad ytd.
for no reason at all.
maybe it's the weather.
maybe, it was just random
maybe, i was just out of my mind.

命中註定的失去

finally.
had a nightmare-a terrifying onw after those loads of nice ones.
dreamt tt i flunked my GP :((
OMG.
was like; cldnt imagine hw i'd react..if this happens 2 mths ltr.

cramps:(


you can bury the past, but it will always lie there

DIABETIC DREAMS.

cut my leg.
few small little cuts that hurts when water is in contact with the skin :'((
due to my stupid experiment.
anyway, ever since i worked, and that dumb wedding.
and i miss sch all these stuff added altogether.,
i think i'd sweet dreams thruout the month.
ytd was the sweetest, i wished that day cld some thru.
HAHASS.

in the dream, i held your hand tightly and felt the warmth from your palms.
you hugged me, and we were both laughing heartily.

best thing was...i cldnt rmb the guy's face at all.
very blurred.
LOL

whats real then

received a pink crystal bracelet from most unexpected person
like the sky's gonna fall on me!
OMG.
feels freaking scared wering it.


the past is never where you think you left it

shopping.

and so i went to town ytd.
was thinking wldnt meet into pple i know, or pple frm MI
cos it was mon.
in the end, saw 2 MI pple at 2 diff places .
was like...
spent quite a lot ytd.
buying all those things all tgt.
sighs.
stil have tuh go work again ltr :((

so time heals all everything.
if i ever see you again, i think i can give you a smile, say hi, hw have u been?
it is truly how i feel.

on the other hand, how can i stop losing myself?

MONDAY

when monday is mentioned, most pple will be like...
sighs..
having monday blues again.
hahas.
a pretty diferent thingy to me.
i'm very very, happy.
frankly, cross my heart.
cos its my off-day
eventually i'll be gg out .
to city hall and town.
search for some things :))


the escalator at JP has somehow gone haywired
i saw it gg up 3 mins ago and when i turned bk, it became gg down!?
sch starts tml.
i miss sch :(

the heart or mind.
choose one over the other.
incorrigible dreams nowadays--too sweet for my consumption.

finding..

for someone to acc me go out on mon, my off day to buy sths.
apparently...alot of pple have sch and other things to attend to
so hard to find someone to go out with me.
who else shld i ask?
:((


meanwhile, found new eye candy.
LOLs.
and i keep having dreams and nightmares abt A lvls.
ahh.
so scary :((


within my reach yet
beyond what i can reach

my very-late resolutions.

1. i hope that i would stay alive fore the next 5 months at work.
2. i hope that the results release wldnt be too bad
3. i will become more sensible and less gullible
4. grow up!
5.stay strong in time of adversities
6. get some courage and become braver
7. have more self-confidence
8. start to trust pple
9. pursue happiness
10. eat less junk
11. grow into an adult mindset
12 show more concern to things happening ard me


thats about it i think.
gg off to prep for work soon.
saw another marriage coming online.
its matthew lim!
he proposed to her gf like 30 000 metres from the grd.
and he succeeded :D
he's like 5 years older than me.
and he's getting married.
quite early.
my lifespan-cum-marriage theory.
HAHAS, CONGRATS.
like i said earlier in some post.
the latest wedding gave me a new perspective of marriage.


i believe that some things need not be said nor spelt out, because we can only feel it to believe it truly exist;but on the other hand, it is never possible to be assured unless one spells it out

i always happen to awake at the pt when pple talk abt me when i'm asleep.
and it happened today again.

its okay.
now i now how she really thinks abt me, making some of the thoughts and thinking of getting her a gift seem quite ridiculous, and doesnt seems to make even the slightest sense at all!

the dream i dreamt wasnt what the dream i thought i wld have dreamt.
because it was too good to be true.
how i feel towards one -its still lurking in murky waters
its in between.
i cant really figure out a definite stand

Never stop loving. Even if you have been hurt before you should not stop giving love
wow.
i found ths online.
i'm gonna divert my love to my ham ham for the time being.

meanwhile, off to work soon..shld go lib 1st ;D

what a new year.

recalling the past 4 days,
i think this is one of those painful ways to start a year.
i cut my hand on new year day mn while cutting an apple.
after tt, my nails got chipped while folding knitwear.
and i got blocked nose, sore throat.
hurts to the max :(
with frequent random coughs..like i'm gonna cough my heart out.
my off-day is gone :(
gotta start again tml...


how many stories do one have in a lifetime?
just once a lifetime.
those tiny minor little ones to those that leave one with deep impressions--they make up our life.
what story will i add on to
who will be the pple i add into those stories
and who will be the pple leaving these stories

2010's first post

its 2010.
tina just msged me.
wished me 2010 and reminded me of my promise to her
2 mths away to that dumb promise.
shldnt have promised to tell her la.
its ok-- i found the purr-fect solution :))
just tell her after we get out of MI after getting the results.
cant be so suay to see the party i'm supposed to reveal again right?!
and i realised i'm doing a totally dumb thing--blogging when i gotta work tml.
i'm stuck at JP's dano for a good few mths.
its just beside e escalator.
and i meet into pple easily.
shall think of a resolution for 2010 soon :))

meanwhile, this may be a start.

music is nothing without rhythm.
a song is never without a tune.
a melody is never without it's harmony.
i am never complete without you.

the last post of 2009 :((

the last day of 2009.
i'm still working.
haven got time to do the reflections.
but for past 3 consecutuive days, i had the sweetest dreams of my life.
like sequels.
i dreamt abt unknown that warmed my heart, A had sth to tell me and i met up with ah joe.
LOLS.
if theres anything i can say abt 2009,
i can only say that it has been a fruitful year.
it passed so fast!
now, even A lvls has ended
it was a happy year--as the saying goes, happy times always flies fast

2009 has been a great year
one that i cherished, had the happiest days of my life
and most reluctant to let go of...
too many things to say it all out
but its lie i'm left the last 5 mins of 2009.
so, i shall end my last post of 2009.

hope everyone that spent their 2009 days with me had fun too.
wishes that everyone have a good ending,
and a great start to 2010 !!!

-the sweetess dream-

i dreamt that i was sitting under my block
i was cold.
he was standing in front of me, looking down at me so deeply with his eyes.
then he removed his scarf, wanted to put it ard my neck.
i stopped him, and took it away from his hand and wrapped it ard my neck.
he looked so dejected.


omg.
i must be dreaming.
or maybe it happened in the other world, other dimensions
but i'm sure it wont happen to me in reality, in this life

A NEW WEDDING EXPERIENCE :))

Just came bk from cousins wedding dinner
New experience, all vegetarian.
For the first time after so many weddings, I felt touched.
Th e last time we had wedding was like only 1 or 2 each year.
Maybe like 8 years ago, somewhere ard there, there were like so many weddings every year,
then this cousin of mine suddenly like asked.
Someone ran the stanchart marathon.
i to the was asking another cousin.
Then everyone went silent.
Then I turned.
Everyone was looking at me in the bus.
Then I was like…ya?
He asked me 10 k or 21 k?
21k.
then he told me sth that stunned me
take water frm me nvr say hi.
I was like…????!!!!
So I asked him.
U mean u gave me water from ur hand?
Ya.
Oh.
Hmmm.
I dint see u

There were a few occasions where I took water from ppple hand.
Like 3 pple.
Ha
And I dint realize it was him
So he smiled at me.
I smiled sheepishly bk to him

The bride works at mindef HQ, I think
Cos according to the emcee, we were very safe tt day.
Due to the personnel present.
Then , my cousin is sth like.traffic police?!
So ..
They said we cld drink till we drop
Cos its safe to do so.
But then, when we went to the wedding, we were served chi tea.
OMG.
Was like….
Afer a while, a waitress asked if we wanted soft drink.
So I asked for sprite
After 1 hr of waiting, I decided to get some red wine.
Drank 2 glasses of it.
Hahas
We sat tgt with cousins, all one table, parents another one.
Then saw my cousin bro who younger than me by one yr wearing a suit….
He looked so smart , like some manager
He came to our table, told us he was damn tired for past few days.
LOLS.
Then my 2nd aunt was like counting, who gonna get married nxt.
Then we were like…hahaha
If we count according to age,I shld be the 6th or 7th in queue?
Maybe further.
So—its like 7-8 years down the road, there’ll be rows of weddings again.
I have a big, big paternal family.

Marriage have nvr crossed my mind except in GP
I dunno why.
But after today, it made me gave some serious thought to it.
It’s a part of life, and it determines the rest of your life.
Someone to share your happiness and sadness, support you when you are down, giving each other love, spend your time with, give care and concern to.
Its like—beautiful.
They met like in poly?
Then one of my cousin was like telling me most pple meet their other half in polys.
Then , jc like don’t have.
True , very true.
JC is only like in 2 years?
But I know of one last till 7 years alrdy.
HAHAS.
Shant say who he is.
I feel so happy for my cousin, and his wife.
They have finally found each other, in this vast world.
Bless them to have happiness forever and live in bliss JJ


Meanwhile, it was hectic to rush from work to the hotel.
Furama hotel?

THE WEDDING

I'M TOUCHED BY THE WEDDING.
it wasnt exactly grand, but it was nice--no doubt abt that.
but its the first time my heart was touched by a wedding.
shall blog more abt it soon.

BAD, BAD SATURDAY

its saturday.
i'm starting work.
i dont feel like gg to work.
afterall, i still have to go for the wedding dinner.
why must humans be slaves to money?
i feel like snapping my hair off to shoulder length.

i feel like i'm missing a piece of me, left with someone else.
give me that piece of me back :((

MERRY X'MAS

MERRY X'MAS 2009!!!
hahas
pple asked; how do u spend ur x'mas
ans: i spent it at home, sleeping and resting.
cos i gotta work tml onwards.
hope everything goes right, and i'll be happy.
for the upcoming ard like 150-180 days?
meanwhile, its only another like..10 weeks to the results release?
wonder how i shld do my count-down to the end of everything?
the buffer time of 8-9 months

RETAIL THERAPHY.

i'm gg bk to retail, for the future 5-6 months.
its like bye, dano, hi MI,
then
bye MI, hi dano , again.
starting work this sat at JP again.
wanted her to transfer me to westmall.
but i think it'll only be a matter of time lah.
she loves transfers.

i want to earns loads and loads of money
so i can go overseas :((
argghs.
this means
i wont have normal off-days,
i wont get to enjoy public holidays.
but it is that type of work that wld allow you to sleep more :)
most of all, most importantly is that
you get to see many diff pple.
many situations.
and sometimes, being vulnerable in work helps spur you on too,
to strive even harder and better in life.
i really cannot stand office job.
imagine being stuck there for like 9 hours,
facing like 3 walls,
1 monitor
and cant talk much at all.
god.
i cant talk?!
might as well kill me.
its okay.
to me, money may be secondary
what's most impt is that i'll enjoy the job,
and i'm happy, not restricted.
anyway, looking forward to the new bl bus interchange, after like 2-3 years which seem like ages
opening on 27th dec
right inside jp.
i'll be working.
that means, i wont have to go for the wedding.
and not to worry abt what to wear!!!
seriously needs to expand my wardrobe

gingerbread men turned out to be super successful :)
hope that tml min's one will also be successful XD

found many interesting quotes to share

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.

Only a life lived for others is a life worth while.”

Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.”

Ecclesiastes:
For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.


Smile, it is the key that fits the lock of everybody's heart.

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all.

after some random conversation, i realised that life, is all but a show.
all one have to do is simply--act and play till the end of the show.
dont see it too seriously.
do not be bothered by what pple will speak of you
whats most impt is--you know that you are happy.
i'm not scared of death.
sometimes, i embrace it
have no idea how i did it.
just think of it as sth like,
a long rest?
when you can finally rest and live in peace.

i guess..

you will never know what is gg on in my mind, my heart.
even when i'm standing beside you.
my tolerance was practiced during sec sch days
i have high tolerance
maybe feeling nervous inside, but act as if normal, or even nonchanlant.
you will never know how i feel, my opinion of you
who can i trust,whose shloulder can i lend when i need one.




meanwhile, my sis got top few positions for her N lvls in her sch
the sch's definitely much more nicer, but MI's hall is still better :))
saw teachers,
and i vividly rmbed sec sch days.
baking was successful, though tiring
went bookfest, bought loads of funny books, puzzles, just to kill time.
tues have to go jp find tt supervisor again.
sighs.

loves autumn's concerto till the max.
really love it.
pple who havent watched it yet must go watch--you wont regret watching it

whoever tt guy who called me ytd shld have called my hp, not my hse phone.
i was out..
ahhhh.
who the hell calls hse phone nwadays?
:(


off to gingerbread man land

FRUSTRATED

REALLY.
at everything.
from the dummy agent to everything else in the world.
dano called me.
asked me to go bk to bcum sales assistant.
1000 per mth
but it's like so dumb to me, in my opinion.
lesser pay, wld have problems meeting pple.
cos the off-days are always from mon-thurs.
but nvm.
i'm starting to hate the world afain
from my family to myself.
cant u respect me by not opening up my letters w/o my permission
WTH.
and its not like i wanted to be born in this family.
i dint want to.
u think i led a happy life?
no, i dint, and i wont.
i want to break away and find a life of my own.
and here i'm telling you
the sentence that parents always tell their kids.
shld have strangled u to death while u were still a baby.
shld have thrown you in a dustbin
shldnt have gave birth to you
let me tell u parents , I'LL TELL YOU STRAIGHT IN YOUR FACE.
I DONT GIVE A HECK TO BE ALIVE IN THIS WORLD
IF I WASNT BORN, I WLDNT HAD TO GO THRU ALL THOSE PAINS, AGONY
YOU WANTED TO KILL ME?
GO AHEAD.,
WHY DINT U DO SO WHEN I WAS YOUNG?
ANYWAY, U'VE STILL GOT A CHANCE
KILL ME NOW, YOU'LL SAVE MORE MONEY, always arguing with me abt $$$ for no reason
just need to use the last sum of $ on me, for my funeral.
you can dont bother to perform rituals if you really want to save on it,
just incinerate my body.
WHY BOTHER TO GIVE BIRTH TO CHILDREN,
WHEN YOU KNOW THAT THEY WONT ENJOY GOOD LIVES?
WHY BOTHER TO DO SO,
WHEN YOU CANT GURANTEE HAPPINESS?
you pple dont know my worries, my fears, what i really need.
such great parents i have huh.
since young, even if i fell down and hurt myself, i wld get scolded.
no hush, concern, whatever
you can act whatever you like outside strangers
deep down in my heart, i know how you pple treat me.
since you pple favour on boys, go ahead.
if i cld, i wld break away.
pay you whatever sum you had used for the past 19 years of my life
fees, food, whatever.
or best still, perhaps i shld just pay bk everything using my life
or maybe, even in their eyes, my life is worth nothing, nothing at all.
just a cheap life.
and yes.
I DEEM MY BIRTH AS A MISTAKE- A TERRIBLE ONE.

off to icy's hse for baking.
warm warm cupcakes for a cold cold, rainy day.
warms up my heart
<3

now i hate recruit express to the max :(

LAST MINUTE

CALLS.
is it, like reasonable to call me at 9pm plus,
after my movie, spoiled my mood.
tell me i have immediate job tml
and demand an answer,
when i have a date with my friend, set since last week,
and DEMAND me to push it away.
and think i duno u take hw much commission.
sighs.
anyway,
the job's for 3 weeks.
pay better than sales
admin job
i not comfortable 3 weeks run away....
in TUAS.
ITS LIKE--even though its rather near my area, BUT..
I'M NOT VERY FAMILIAR ABT IMDUSTRIAL AREA DUH.
sighs
sighs
sighs
10-4
office wear.
its gonna be hilarious
freaking hilarious.
like a child wearing mummy's clothes
considering whether to return to me sales job.
they need pple again .
AHHH.
SALES VS ADMIN.
:(((((

my heart's doing breaking, popping, locking

now, i think one characteristic of MI students is--they appear everywhere,really!

now, i know i can believe it

maybe its another coincidence,
or another trick that God has chose to crack on me.
like always.
i'm not one that believe in dreams.
but today, i was rather amused, and--AMAZED
at what happened.
that happened in my dream , though rather distorted, but it has happened in real life.
and in real life, i get the whole picture.
I, got the point.
and made some GOOD sense out of it.
BYE :))

I BELIEVE

i believe in.
can i believe and trust,
absolute trust?

what if you gave your all,
and all that you receive in return is pain and lies

Gift Of A Friend

Sometimes you think you'll be fine by yourself
Cause a dream is a wish that you make all alone
It's easy to feel like you don't need help
But it's harder to walk on your own

You'll change inside
When you realize

The world comes to life
And everything's bright
From beginning to end
When you have a friend
By your side
That helps you to find
The beauty you are, when you open your heart
And believe in
The Gift of a Friend


Someone who knows when you're lost,
And you're scared
There through the highs and the lows
Someone to count on, someone who cares
Beside you wherever you go

You'll change inside
When you realize
The world comes to life
And everything's bright
From beginning to end
When you have a friend
By your side
That helps you to find
The beauty you are, when you open your heart
And believe in
The Gift of a Friend

And when your hope crashes down
Shattering to the ground
You, you feel all alone
When you don't know which way to go
And there's no signs leading you home
You're not alone

The world comes to life
And everythings bright
From beginning to end
When you have a friend
By your side
That helps you to find
The beauty you are, when you open your heart
And believe in
When you believe in
The Gift of a friend

better days ahead, hopefully...

its finally monday again
cant believe e week is passing so slowly by.
during those days in sch, counting mon-fri was fast
like counting hours.
nowadays, counting hours is like counting minutes :((
looking forward to sunday's show
this week is more...FUN?
from weds-sat, schedule all booked :)))
thats good, i'll be dead because of boredom.
practically, the internet is nw the only source of killing boredom.
while torturing my lil bro eng, and of course, CHINESE.
i'm so bored that i'm back to google, type some words, search, and read up on them.
soon, i'll go to the library, pay my fines so i can borrow books and eat them all up.
or better still , camp there.
tumbled across this website when i was finding information about my horoscope, cos i was just far too bored.
found it quite interesting.
cos it hit on the nail, BINGO!

Your Gemini will never take a train when she can fly. (yapps, who will)
She'll never be silent when she can speak. (uh, so long as its not in sch.true for outside sch life)
She'll never turn away when she can help. (hmmm.)
And she'll never walk when she can run. (i'm not gd at sports, but i walk fast :)) )
Her mind is full of so many thoughts and her heart is full of so many hopes, (ya, quite true)
she may seem to need a computer to sort it all out. ( a thumbdrive may help better?)
Or does she just need someone who can run beside her and toss dreams with her-from here to tomorrow? (not bad huh, sadly only a few can)
If you're that person, she doesn't dare look over her shoulder to see if you're near. (... ...)
Some deep, unexplained fear within her keeps her from ever looking back. (tell me why since u've guessed it.)
When you finally match her speed, get her to slow down to your pace. 　(like what?my pace of taking, thinking, or talking)

thats about it.
meanwhile, hope i can get that MDIS job.
though its admin= its boring.
but i'm...cash-starved.
meanwhile, think i cant post any pics today.
blogger is so lag nw :((

THE ALPHABET-

D
influences me somehw.
after shi mentioned sth abt e fb friend request
yapps.
according to her, that someone changed his name to D...
i dunno whats the exact name, but she dint accept him as a friend anyway.
the more i think abt those days, the more absurd i think it was...
of all
what is the underlying reason, factor, whatever....
i still cant figure it out
then again, it has already been more than 6 years,
whats the point of me knowing all those, when its already more than..like 2190 days.
i've even been thru with A lvls already
just let those memories remain where they are supposed to be.

i'm so freaking happy that AKIRA is ending their sales tml, FINALLY.
sad thing is-- i have to go there again tml :((
to buy some hi-fi set
like so dumb.
know what, i've got 6 steam irons for 6 bucks.
yapps
and its not 6 dollars each
is for all 6 irons.
wondered if i can steam food using all e irons.

a better week ahead?
at least i know weds is for movies, ikea and dinner
fri is sis results release and buy lil bro's textbks
sat is baking with maox
somewhere in between...
shopping for stationaries for siblings sch reopening
look for jobs,
and yes.
one more baking day for min.
and OH,i'm dead.
theres a wedding in some hotel on 27th
WHAT TO WEAR?!

HERE WE GO AGAIN.

INTO THE LAND OF THE LOST.
everytime i'm at home, my mind will wander off to this qns.
what are u gg to do this 8 mths
after that?
and later in your life?
then, u see a frustrated me, gg to play with my hamster
as if my hamster will gimme an ans.

i've never thought of life beyond like ...20?
cos i thought i'll just use my own set of ways to end everything.
yet, some things, some people are holding me back .
theres simply too many considerations before actions can be taken.
that sentence, comes to my mind just now,again

we all came to this world alone,
and we will still leave this world by ourselves, all alone.

just came to blog.
for random, sheer fun.
now that i've so much fun, think i'll upload all e pics real soon?
tml still have to wake up damn early for e queue again :(


i hoped i have interpretated it correctly,
not another mistake again

THE TALE OF ...

TWO BRAINS.
WHOSE?
MALES AND FEMALES.
sounds so fun.
it is true, and hilarious

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BxckAMaTDc&feature=PlayList&p=1D66FB4E24A120F2&index=1

anyway, went to AKIRA today at 6.
imagine, waking up at 5am(i dun even wake up this early when i go to MI)
taking the first few buses at six(and everyone's looking at u like a dong dong)
just to take e queue no to buy offer items
and yet was skower by 2 to qualify for the item:(
though there were some nice guys ard for my eye candy,
and someone frighteningly akin, similar to that motivation(that i wondered if it was actually him)
still, its tiring.
considering a walk thru bugis street and mall till 4 plus before reaching home.
PLAIN TIRED.

had late night talk below my hse again
chatted with min, then saw wx halfway.
then chatted with us when he was supposedly supposed to go sch to study.
abt this gal.
then it started everything.
the law of attraction...blah blah blah...
best thing that happened.
saw PMS guy with his gf.
pretended tt i dint see him and cont' chatting.
afterall, he went away after her gf went on board e bus :))
then cont' to chat.


conclusion was:
1. girls are animals that will never be satisfied with a male, even if they are perfect.its inherent
2.you can have nth, no $,no friends, no nothing--but you must have self-confidence, with this, you can get everything(sad la, i still dont have much of it)
3.once you have thoughts of giving up, you have already lost hope-you've also lost your purpose and direction in life
4.when you feel numb to everything, you are as good as being dead.(so i think i re-surrected a couple of times alrdy)
5. i believe that no matter what happens, a girl will still go bk to that 'he' that she decided on, even though she goes ard in circles, from guyA to B to C all the way to Z.


alright, i'm dead tired, off to nap.
suddenly, everyone is meeeting me for some baking sessions.
cupcakes, muffins, gingerbreadman.♥
and CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION ♥♥♥